April 1, 2015
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
The San Francisco Cemetery Association announced today that zombies will be rising en masse from the dead this coming April 15th in order to pay their taxes.
The group received a threatening letter from the IRS after the agency reportedly discovered that many of their residents have not paid taxes for years. An Association spokesperson said she and her colleagues decided to be proactive in addressing the issue, and not risk having revenue collectors come snooping around at night and digging up residents.
"They don't leave you alone or cut you any slack just because you're dead," funeral director Morticia Addams said. "Unfortunately this situation has proven a bit challenging for us, because zombies don't have Internet access to be able to file their taxes online, and it turns out our lawyers found some federal statute prohibiting dead people from sending stuff by mail. That leaves filing in person, but we decided it might be difficult to get them to go to the Post Office, because there aren't enough brains there. We're crossing our fingers and hoping that the combined brains of all the agencies and politicians' offices in the federal building where the IRS office is located will be enough to entice a good zombie turnout for this mass filing. Zombies like to do things in groups."
Starchild, outreach director with the Libertarian Party of San Francisco, said this news will come as a rude shock to a number of seniors. "Some of them apparently expected to be able to just pass along the bills for all this deficit spending onto their grandchildren, but this latest enforcement effort sends a clear message that the long arm of the IRS will reach beyond the grave and tap them to keep paying long after they've passed away. It's sad and shameful -- really just shows the troubling extent of the problem of government greed."
He added that Libertarians are also concerned police may capitalize on fears of zombies as a threat to public safety as an excuse to revive their crusade to arm cops with Tasers, noting "it wouldn't be the most implausible justification that's been used to increase law enforcement powers in this country."
Some experts believe Tasers will not affect zombies, but a police spokesperson downplayed that possibility.
Although Addams said zombies are often slow to rise to action, she also stressed that once they get going they can be difficult to stop, and cautioned members of the public not to get between the undead and the Federal Building at 450 Golden Gate Avenue in San Francisco, where zombies are expected to arrive at high noon on Tax Day.
"No one should underestimate the powerful sense of civic duty among the dead," she said. "You might be surprised how many of our residents continue to vote in election after election."
Libertarian Party of San Francisco • LPSF.org • (415) 775-LPSF • 520 Frederick Street #17, SF, CA 94117